Confidences

Entre l’homme de ma vie et mes parents qui choisir ?

« J’ai rencontré un homme il y a de cela un an et ça a été le coup de foudre dès le premier regard. Depuis, on sort ensemble au su et vu de tout le monde. Une amitié et une complicité totales sont nées entre nous deux. Je n’ai jamais été aussi bien et aussi heureuse avec un homme et c’est vice-versa. Il y a un ou deux mois, il a demandé ma main à mes parents et grande a été ma surprise quand ils lui ont répondu qu’ils allaient y réfléchir. Quand il partit, j’ai eu le choc de ma vie, mon père me dit que jamais il ne marierait sa fille à un teugue (casté). Le pire est que ma mère est plus radicale dans ce refus.

Cet homme a une belle situation, un musulman pieux et surtout il m’aime à la folie et me respecte beaucoup. Ça fait deux mois que je pleure, que j’essaye de les convaincre et rien c’est comme si je parlais à des murs. J’ai 28 ans et je pense sérieusement à me marier avec lui sans leur consentement. Mon père me demande carrément de choisir. Soit c’est lui ou eux. Je suis complétement désespérée et perdue. Entre l’homme de ma vie et mes parents qui choisir ? »

Combien de parents ont gâché la vie de leurs enfants pour des histoires de castes ? Je dirai des milliers.

L’amour est un sentiment si fort qu’il nous dépasse et nous transcende. On ne peut l’expliquer sans trembler. Erich Fromm, psychanalyste américain nous dit : « Le paradoxe de l’amour réside en ce que deux êtres deviennent un et cependant restent deux ». Alors on ne peut que se sentir perdu quand on veut nous priver de ce sentiment de fusion. Deux choses te tenaillent : La peur de regretter cet amour durant toute ta vie si tu le quittes et l’envie de tout sacrifier pour vivre ton amour avec un grand A. Malheureusement, il n’y a pas de solution parfaite.

L’histoire des castes est un problème social bien complexe. Une femme que je connais, avait refusé le mariage de son fils avec une griotte pourtant quelques années plus tard, elle accepta que son fils se marie à une blanche. Quand j’ai demandé à savoir pourquoi une blanche et pas une ngégno (castée),  elle m’a répondu que son sang sera souillé et sa descendance maudite. J’ai compris alors que les castés sont considérés, aux yeux de certains, comme des impurs de par leur origine. Ici, on entend par casté les guéweules (griots) ou teugues (bijoutier)  ou encore   les lawbé (forgerons)…. Il ne faut pas se voiler la face, cette croyance sans fondement et que toutes les religions rejettent, est plus qu’ancrée dans cette société qui se dit moderne. Donc, tu es face d’un vrai dilemme cornélien et te dire qu’il y a une solution c’est te mentir.

J’ai envie de te dire fonce sans te retourner. Bas-toi si tu es sûre que c’est l’homme de ta vie. Qu’importe les sacrifices, va jusqu’au bout. Quitte à te marier sans le consentement de tes parents. Car ces derniers, quoi que l’on dise finissent toujours par reprendre l’enfant qu’ils ont rejeté. Soyez ce couple qui relève ce défi de l’amour pour les générations futures mais qui dit résistance dit dépression, obscurité constante. Alors cette autre voix de la raison me pousse à te mettre en garde contre cette grande muraille destructrice qui se dressera devant votre couple. Car nombreux sont ces couples qui, après avoir forcé le barrage, ont péri dans les flammes du déni social.

Quand la phase de la passion se dissipera et que le quotidien débarque sans subtilité, imposant ses gros sabots d’ennui, alors les contraintes extérieures n’hésiteront pas à s’engouffrer. Déjà que la vie à deux n’est pas facile si on sait toutes les contraintes qu’elle impose,  alors y a t – il une autre place pour un problème. Et quel problème ?

Dans une société créée sous le socle de la puissance parentale, attend-toi à être pointée du doigt, marginalisée, critiquée et rejetée. Ainsi naitra un combat entre la tête et le cœur qui occasionnera une détresse psychologique, un flot d’émois et d’ambiguïtés. A cet instant l’amour ne suffit plus, il faudra beaucoup de force et de détermination pour faire face à  la pression psychologique et émotionnelle de ton entourage. Nombreux sont les couples qui ont fini par craquer. C’est pourquoi Russell Calvert psychologue conjugal dit que «  la raison l’emporte souvent sur l’amour romantique. À mesure que croissent les pressions sociales, le stress psychologique, émergent les tourments d’amour et la souffrance psychique chez les amants maudits à cause d’une lutte entre la tête et le cœur, le mental et l’affectif, le psychisme et le psychoaffectif. L’amour interdit ou relation amoureuse impossible se complique, devient contraignante, exigeante psychologiquement et émotivement. »

Quand la fatalité du drame romantique s’acharne sur le psychisme, on éprouve une souffrance mentale indéfinissable. Certains ne s’en sortent pas et finissent par périr dans la douleur qu’a engendrée ce rejet des proches. L’exemple typique est cet homme qui a fini par se suicider tellement il ne pouvait plus supporter de voir sa femme si malheureuse ou encore ses enfants rejetés par les autres enfants des deux familles. Pour lui, partir était la solution pour que sa famille retrouve le bonheur.

Il vous faudra beaucoup d’amour et une détermination farouche pour braver l’interdit ou tout simplement décider en paix avec soi et avec les autres d’arrêter une souffrance éternelle.

David Foenkinos dit : « Rien n’était tragique. Il savait qu’il existait des navettes entre l’île de la souffrance, celle de l’oubli, et celle, plus lointaine encore, de l’espoir. »

Par Mareme  

Envoyez vos confidences sur confidences@walf-groupe.com

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32 893 Comments

  1. Dabakh MalikXy says:

    Tes Parents te quitteront Jamais !

  2. Queen says:

    Triste réalité de notre société. La vie ne tourne pas qu’autour de préjugés. Nul n’est parfait nul n’est meilleur que l’autre juste par rapport à des castes ou de religion on est tous égaux aux yeux d’Allah! Mais malheureusement dans notre culture on ne peut tenir tête à ces parents surtout en matière de couple ou de mariage. C’est une situation très délicate. Wakhou kilifa waw leu sante comme on a l’habitude de dire! Que Dieu te facilite courage!

  3. Malicia says:

    Tu as tout dit gar, tu as regardé la situation dans les deux sens appuyé sur les pour et contre. Je daccorise complètement surtout avec la partie où tu dis que quand le flammé de la passion se sera atténuée et que l’ennui du quotidien se sera installée alors les regrets feront place. Le mariage déjà comme tu l’as bien surligné n’est pas facile, alors s’il faut y ajouter la pression de la société je n’imagine même pas. Pour ma part je lui dirais que s’ils comptent s’expatrier après et vivre leur vie maritale loin de leur famille je l’encourage pleinement à suivre son cœur. Dans le cas contraire qu’elle se prépare psychologiquement car le chemin sera rude

  4. Maréma Ndiaye says:

    Mane je te conseille de te marier mais pour les parents demeure dans la prière. Gnanal Yalla djegual la djegual len thè oubi sen khôl ak senni beut bagnou nagoul la . Mais première des choses defal lisikhar pour voir si c’est un bon mari. Guay gnane Yalla leral la. Yalla meuna leup djeulal sa temps guay gnane tekk leup thi lokho Yalla ils peuvent changer d’avis. Boul djeul décision thi yakamti. Del gnane rek

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  5. Rachid Salhi says:

    chacun a sa place dans tout les cas tu dois obéissance aux deux sauf si cela t,éloigne de ta croyance a dieu

  6. Aminata Biaye says:

    POUR MOI TU DOIT ECOUTER TES PARENTS AUJOURD HUI IL YA AMOUR ET DEMAIN SI TU TOUR LE DOS A TES PARENTS POUR UN HOMME DEMAIN TU LE REGRETTERAS

  7. Tina Diatta Bassene says:

    le problème ès tellement complexe qu’il faut regarder les deux côté positif é négative mes du courage dieu na pas dit son dernier mot

  8. Rianne says:

    Moyéénam! En te demandant de choisir ils se sont rabaissés au niveau de ton homme pour être à égalité avec lui et à mon avis ils n’ont fait que te faciliter la tache. Face à cette situation ton choix n’est plus que le chemin du bonheur. Alors si ton bonheur c’est d’être avec tes parents ce qui m’étonnerait vu ton âge libre à toi mais dans le cas contraire s’il ne peut qu’être auprès de cet homme alors je te conseille de foncer tête baissée et sans scrupule. S’ils choisissent eux de te perdre toi leur fille à cause de leur orgueil grandissant (lou Yalla reubeu), tu dois pouvoir te résigner à la vie sans eux. Ce qui arrivera demain seul Dieu le sait et y’a que lui qu’on doit craindre

    • Papson says:

      Je pouvais comprendre le refus de vos parents si le gars n’était pas musulman oubien qu’il soit de mauvaise foi.C’est 1 triste réalité pour 1 pays comme le Senegal.L’homme n’a pas choisit ses parents,ni sa couleur oubien sa nationalité.C un frein à notre développement.L’europe a dépassé cette mentalité depuis trés longtemps.Marie avec toi avec cet homme et tu seras heureuse.Mais ne lui répète pas souvent q tu as fait 1 sacrifice pour lui.Pensiez vous q si votre pére était à la place de votre homme,qu’il accepterait cette décision.Les parents doivent savoir que son enfant n’est pas 1 propriété privée.On p faire le choix pour son enfant.Mais devenu adulte,On p juste donner 1 conseil ou apporter son soutien.Ceci explique pourquoi des femmes mariées ont des amants.Tes parents sont heureux dans leur ménage car ils car ils s’aiment.Un mariage sans amour est comme un tiébou dieune qui se mange sans sel.Si vous voulez faire plaire plaisir à votre pére et être triste le restant de vos jours,alors choisissez la faiblesse et l’hypocrisie.Vous êtes majeure et vous avez un homme qui veut fonder 1 famille avec vous.L’ultime décision vous revient.
      Bonne Chance ma soeur

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  9. Dior Serigne Saliou Lo says:

    Té parent dounou la meseu bayi

  10. Fall says:

    A un certain âge il ne faut plus ecouter ses parents cest mieux davoir leur consentement mais 28 ans tu es assez grande pour decider seule de la vie que tu veux mener mais bon cest pas facile surtout avec des parents qui font un chantage affectif bon courage

  11. Niang says:

    Entoucas c pas facile de mettre c parents à dos.l’amour quˋils ont pour toi est plus forte que leur orgeuil alors tot ou tard ils te pardonneront.he te diré fonce marie toi et soyez fort pour vivre votre amour.

  12. Touta says:

    Très beau article, seulement les parentsvsont nos kilifas jusqu’à ce qunon se marie. Mieux vaut les convaincre quitte a solliciter l’imam ou un guide religieux… De marier sans l’approbation de ses parents, moi j’oserai pas. Peut être que Elle, elle ne trouve pas les mots pour convaincre mais faut encore essayer. Mais ce n’est là que mon avis

  13. Kifa says:

    C très délicat mais je pense le mieux à faire c de convaincre tes parents de ton amour pour cet homme et qu’il sache que ce sera toujours lui et pas un autre tes gnou mougne. Tu apprendras toi même de tes erreurs donc ils ne peuvent que te mettre en garde et prier pour toi. Bon courage

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  14. Farma says:

    Choix trés difficile, voir impossible. Ne te precipite pas. Remets toi a Dieu, prie bcp et je suis sur qu’il te guidera. Courage.

  15. mamie says:

    C très dur ma chérie mais lhomme ne choisira jamais entre sa famille et toi. Il préfère chercher une autre que sa famille aime. Mane goor douma diaral bayi sama papa ak sama yay. Le risque est fort! Il est bien aujourd’hui, pieux et sans égal à tes yeux. Demain il peut être le diable. C’est l’homme en personne. Ne te precipite pas. Tu as la vie devant toi pour rencontrer quelqu’un que tes parents acceptent. L’expérience parle ma belle. Les parents sont sacrés . Fais toi aider par des kilifas pour les sermonner sinon laisse tomber. Tu souffrira mais tu oubliera. Tu as 1% de chance d’être heureuse avec cet homme. Tu peux la tenter si tu es courageuse. De toute façon tes parents ne te rejeterons jamais

  16. mama says:

    Hello. encore les problèmes de caste! moi je ne dis qu’une chose sur ce point: après avoir usé tous les moyens possible pour convaincre les parents jusqu’à même leur amener l’imam du quartier pour qu’il les conscientise,alors mariez vous! c’est Dieu qui nous recommande l’obéissance aux parents, c’est ce même Dieu qui ns dit de ne pas les suivre dans ce que Lui Dieu a interdit. si tu as des oncles qui pourront te donner en mariage alors seuye bi dagane na. Prie et demande Dieu de te guider à travers la prière de consultation (istikhara). ensuite fais Lui confiance! comme on dit en wolof lou doul deug dou yague. tes parents finiront par savoir qu’ils avaient tort.bonne chance et ne désespères pas

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  17. Mme Diop says:

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